


First Order Academy

by Ghost_droid



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Blood, Multi, Other, Scarring, Slow Burn, Unrequited Crush, Violence in Later Chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-04 05:33:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6643387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_droid/pseuds/Ghost_droid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your dream of being accepted into a high prestiged academia is finally coming true, but what happens when you're personally selected for your current schools rival First Order Academy?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Opening night and icey stares

You felt your palms sweating, tonight you would be performing in a school production of “The Hysterical History of the Trojan War” your love of history becoming one was exciting to say the least, but your academic career was on the line.  
You currently went to New Republic high school, a public school, but your town had several art institutes and private academia who tended to float around the public schools during times like these to find new students.  
Your freshman year was coming to a close, you wanted to further your education in the arts, if any scouts were in the crowd you could find yourself with a brand new start and break through to your dreams. Something tugged at your heart though, you looked to the backstage tech, seeing Rey enthusiastically directing the light crew, she was on of your best friends.  
You peaked in a slit in the curtains, Poe dameron was glowing as he laughed sitting next to Finn, you all were a group and you weren't sure how they would feel if you accepted an offer like the one you hoped to receive.  
You bit back the fear, you already knew they'd all be over joyed and find a way to see you new school or not. The anxiety washed away as the stage lights went up and the curtain pulled away to reveal the opening scene. 

••••••••••••••••••••••••  
You couldn't help but take a look at the crowd as you and your cast were about to take your final bows, it had definitely been a short 40 minutes for the crowd being a one act, but it felt like lingering moments for you.  
But the moments were filled with laughter and you were proud, but distracted, a boy was gazing at you from the middle third row.  
You're not even sure how you noticed him, but something about him just struck you, he just looked so odd. You never thought you'd say it about a teen, but he looked out of place in casual jeans and a t-shirt, his hair a soft red perfectly neat and tidy it fit his stern posture. His icey blues bore into you as the lights dimmed and you left the stage.  
You were finally out of costume once the parents finished taking their pictures, you readjusted your coat as you felt two bodies slam into you.  
“You were amazing!”  
“You had us all cracking up.”  
You chuckled as Rey and Finn praised you in a hug, Poe joined in on it as they all enclosed you in a circle of arms and affection.  
“Guys, guys! I love you but you're crushing me!”  
You feigned agitation but you were loving every second of it, but it was interrupted.  
“Excuse me?”  
You all separated and turned your heads towards the voice, the boy from the crowd.  
“I'm sorry to interrupt you all, but I'd like a moment with your friend here.”  
He gestured and took a step towards you, Rey looked sceptical, but her grip from your arm wavered when you gave her a slight nod  
“Rey, wait with Finn and Poe in the front okay? I'll only be a moment.”  
She shot one more glance at the redhead before Finn took her hand and lead her outside Poe on their tail. You smoothed your hair and adjusted your shirt, he made you feel small under his gaze, how a boy of your age could be so intimidating was beyond you but he seemed to soften at your nervousness.  
“I was very pleased to see your show, my father and I both found you very humorous and clever in your role.”  
So that was the shape of a man you saw next to him, the stage lights had blurred his features from you.  
“Do you like being an actor?”  
You nodded wringing your hands a bit  
“Yes, I really love the arts in general to be honest, and the fact that this was a historical comedy made it even better.”  
This seemed to make his eye brighten, he gave you a thin smile  
“So I take you for a fan of history and the arts, common, but interesting if I do say so myself.”  
You knew you weren't special in that respect, he was right your interests were common but they were yours nonetheless. This sparked a long conversation between you and this stranger, he seemed to pry a little about your grades and financial standing but otherwise past his hard exterior he was quite lovely.  
“I didn't quite catch your name.”  
“It’s (Y/N), (Y/N) (L/N), and you are?”  
He smiled gripping your hand tightly in a firm shake  
“Just call me Hux.” 

•••••••••••••••  
You were pulled out of class a few weeks later, you looked confusedly at Rey and Finn, it was nearly the last week what could possibly be wrong?  
You were placed in a room with two other students, your desks were far apart so you couldn't see what they were doing.  
You were handed a thick packet and a formula sheet, the teacher then explained to you that you would be withheld for this testing for the rest of the week, it had 5 sections that you were to complete in that time.  
Why would they be testing you right now? Unless…  
You realized someone was interested in you, but the question was, who? Who could have possibly-no. Hux and you had continued communication since the night you'd met through messaging, he was far too young to be a scout, and besides he would've mentioned if he was one.  
Wouldn't he?  
You didn't really have time to question it further as you began section one


	2. Where to go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have trouble deciding which path to take, you receive help from an old friend

  
That was months ago, your test score was a solid 1400/1500, you were actually surprised you did well seeing as it was sprung on you.  
You finally found out which school was looking into inviting you for attendance come fall.  
Your heart lurched and your stomach went cold when the familiar symbol was stamped onto the red wax seal of the letter.

“FIRST ORDER ACADEMY?”  
Rey had yelled in your ear with dismay, you knew she was just as rattled as you were when you told her.  
First order academy was a prestigious prep and boarding school north side of town, they had a long standing rivalry with New republic which also used to be a private prep but became a public once Principal Organa came.

Why would they even be looking for new students there?  
You came to the conclusion, that it was to strengthen their art department, First order practically massacred the competition in every other field than art, you knew this for a fact seeing as New republic smoked them at UIL this year, you were obviously involved in it.  
But what surprised you was how personal the request was, the letter was unsurprisingly formal asking for you to attend their schools tour come August which was coming fast but another letter was sent with it.  
The handwriting was very neat, you instantly knew who it was.  
You and Hux were fast friends, he came clean about scouting you, it was his father's idea to have him do it as to ease any tension with potential students he found. He could have texted you but he took the time to sit down and write this letter in bright red pristine sentences.

  
_“ Dear (Y/n),_  
 _We at First order academy would be grateful to have you join us. Your talents would be greatly appreciated, and compensated with the furthering of your education. While our reputation can speak for itself, I personally see a lot of potential in you and would like for you to come to the tour in August. I hope to see you in attendance._  
 _Sincerely ,Hux”_

  
That couldn't seriously be his first name but he refused to answer you every time you asked about it, Hux was fine with you any how. You were just surprised, he seemed very genuine on paper even if the words seemed stiff that was just Hux for you.  
But how hard it was to decide. You could stay at New republic and be with your friends sure, but First order academy was like a golden ticket on any college application, transferring this early was your only choice of you really wanted to get the most out of what the school had to offer.  
Your head was pulsing, you needed advice.

•••••••••••  
You walked through your neighborhood, you were thinking of where you were right now, who you were with.  
Rey, she was beautiful and airy even after everything she's been through, she'd been a little rough around the edges when you met being very protective of Finn seeing as he was her only friend when she was transferred to New Republic. She was a bit scrappy but weirdly stylish with her odd outfits of flowy fabrics and cuffed pants, she was the light of your days.  
Finn, Finn had actually been expelled from First Order, he was disobedient, causing trouble apparently in ROTC as he told you. Now at New Republic he played football, he was bright and his smile could warm the coldest of hearts you were sure of it.  
And then there was Poe, you'd actually known Poe as a child, a little bit before his mother's passing actually, you'd grown a bit apart over the years but you still trusted him, he was important to you and you cared about his opinion.  
That probably why you were knocking on his door.  
The unmistakable whistle of BB-8’s cut off bark (noise complaints due to him ended up with cut vocal cords)was muffled behind the door as someone jimmied the lock.  
Kes dameron opened the door, a withered smile spread across his face seeing you on his doorstep.

“You get bigger every time I see you.”

  
“Really? I just thought you were getting smaller.”

  
He chuckled, patting your back as he let you inside.

“Poes outback working on the car, could you bring him this water? The boy stays out there all day without a care in the world about hydration.”

  
You smiled and nodded taking a bottle from Kes as you opened the glass sliding door that led to the backyard.  
Poes yard was beautiful and lush, his mother's tree look amazing as usual, you missed Shara the most when you saw it.  
There was folk music blasting as you saw only Poes feet sticking from under his orange truck.  
The car was a horrid ugly thing, a rusty pick up Poe tried to spruce up with a paint job and failed, but he loved it and you guess that was all that mattered.

  
You tapped his foot with the toe of your shoe to grab his attention. He slid out from under the truck and as soon as he saw who it was, he got up and turned off the music.  
He smiled as he rubbed oil off his fingers to greet you, but at your weary eyes his expression melted into that of worry

“¿Qué pasa?”

You smiled at his Spanish, you liked when he slipped into it, reminding you of when you were kids and he hadn't quite grasped separating the two languages he now spoke.

  
“I have a big decision to make, and I don't know how to make it.”

You both went inside and he washed up, drinking the water his father insisted you bring him.  
He sat you down in the dining room.  
“Now, is this about that school thing?”  
You nodded, glad he could read you so easily by now

  
“I don't want to leave you guys, but this could really help my future but I don't want to be selfish and..”

  
You felt small tears welling, this had been eating at you all summer, you actually really wanted to take the tour you were seriously considering their offer of a partial scholarship to attend First order, but while you’d be doing dual credit courses and have access to much more resources than you're used to, you'd be missing so much.

  
You'd have to miss out on Rey's lunch stories of her daily little adventures, and her newest discoveries with stable teenage life.  
You'd miss Finn walking you to first period and joking around in gym class.  
You'd probably even crave Poes terrible puns and fighter pilot etiquette rants.  
Poe took your hands and tears began to roll down your cheeks

“Hey, no tears, now you've worked hard for an offer like this right?”

  
You nodded sucking in ragged breaths

“You worked really hard, you studied and entered every contest you could to show off your talent.”

  
He was right, you'd practically been in every play, art competition, and writing contest that the state could offer you in hopes of strengthening your portfolio since middle school now.

“Now I have no love for First order, they're a bunch of stuck up jerks, but if you can milk them for all they got and climb your way to the top? That's all that matters, if it'll make your dreams more than dreams, that's what's important.”

  
You squeezed his tanned hands and sighed

  
“But I'll miss you all.”

  
He gave a breathy laugh and rubbed his thumb over yours

  
“I'm always a neighborhood stroll away, Rey is practically attached to your hip so there's no getting rid of her school or not, and Finn is loyal, it's not like we're just going to forget you.”

  
You burst up from your chair and pulled him into a hug

  
“What would I do without you dameron?"

  
“Eh who knows, probably go nuts.”  
You laughed, you finally knew what to do.


	3. Tour and a Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You decide to take the open night tour of First order Academy, but something other than the school itself catches your eye

It was open house night, your father had dropped you off and wished you luck.  
You felt a little under dressed in your ensemble, it was no fancy banquet or anything but everyone just looked so...expensive.  
You picked up a pamphlet when you heard your name being called by a familiar voice  
“(Y/n)! Over here.”  
You turned to see Hux wave to you, you walked over to him, he was surrounded by other students around your age all chattering away.  
You were actually glad to see him, you felt so lost on this big campus and your were only at the front entrance. His clothing looked much more fitting, a black button up, a deep maroon tie and grey slacks, this was Hux’s own kind of casual. He greeted you and gestured to the school building.  
“I will be leading the sophomore tour, I assume you being here means you've made your choice?”  
You gulped and brushed your fingers through your hair  
“Almost, I just want to be sure what I'm looking for is here.”  
His posture never faltered as he put a hand to your back to lead you  
“I guess I'll have to give you my best tour ever then.” 

••••••••••  
The school was marvelous, while a bit dreary in color scheme being mostly blacks and grays with a splash of red here and there, it still gave off a feeling of awe.  
Hux seemed to enjoy going on about the schools perks, you'd began tuning in and out to him as the tour lead into the dorms.  
“Now some of you being enrolled will be in these very dorms, so many people from out of state pining to get into our great institution caused the school to eventually form into a prep and boarding.”  
You nodded along with everyone else as you moved through the large dormitory, you were currently on the boys floor.  
“Now the second floor is for freshmen and sophomores…”  
Hux’s voice seemed far away as your eyes scanned the living areas, everything seemed normal, until your eyes squared in on him. 

He stood alone, a shadow cast over him near the large window warped his features a bit but you could still see him, he was striking to say the least, and you'd thought Hux was intimidating. He seemed to be staring at you, you couldn't turn away from his dark locks and pale features, it's like some force was holding you in place just so he could really get a look at you.  
“Please do keep up with the rest of the group.”  
Hux called to you and a few other stragglers, the boy nodded towards the group signaling for you to go, and instantly you scurried away from his dark gaze.  
What the hell was that about?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this ones much shorter


	4. Dark dream and a catalog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You just had a question, and he wouldn't provide answers

Hux was walking you to your car, after the tour he took you to the head of academic arts, Hux had emailed her persistently about you and the contribution you could make and she made sure to tell you so.   
She was a funny woman, you discussed what courses you would like and she showed you the teachers you could be working with if you decided to enroll.  
Your mouth was practically watering seeing the auditorium and it's sound booth was to die for, the art studio was stocked way better than New republics, seeing as there was so many budget cuts this year.   
It just all seemed to be falling into place.   
“Now let me reemphasize, a partial scholarship here will pay for your books and other materials, but you're uniform,any school trips and food will not be covered.”   
You rolled your eyes and giggled, he gave the forms to enroll in a nice folder with your name and told you to call as soon as you filled them out. Did everyone get there's so nicely organized? First order Academy really was a school of perfectionists.  
“We're glad to have you, and I'm not just saying that because I have to, I'm glad you're here.”   
You felt something bloom in your chest and mind, to you Hux had been an acquaintance all this time, but this moment is when he truly became your friend.   
“I'll see you soon Hux.”   
“I look forward to it.”   
And with that your ride pulled up and he walked away briskly, you finally placed what his gait was reminiscent of   
“Like that of a general….” 

•••••••••  
Rey, Finn, and Poe all sat in your basement, ready for the sleepover of the century.   
Everyone was a little down you had decided to take a different path and go to First order, but they were also very proud you were just that much closer to your goal.   
They decided you would all have the best time together while you still could, you'd try to see each other during the school year but you all knew it wouldn't be the same.   
You didn't love them any less, and they you, you'd pack in as much time as possible, as many phone calls between study sessions, as many mall trips as your wallet would allow, and enough trips to the lake to deter you from water forever.   
As long as it meant you'd see them, you didn't care what it was.  
Movies were played late into the night, board games sprawled out half played as they were abandoned for other activities, soda cans and candy wrappers lay amongst them.   
Poe and Finn took the blow up bed, while you and Rey shared the pull out couch.   
Your dreams were foggy, almost nothing was there but you, except it wasn't only you.   
The dark boy from earlier, he stood before you cloaked in dark shadows, you thought he was beautiful this way.   
You stepped towards him, reaching out for him as his hand did to you,you didn't even know him but your brain and heart ached for him.   
He looked almost deadly but for some reason your mind didn't respond to the warning his scowl was meant to represent, instead it wanted to question him.   
“What is your name?”  
Before he could answer, your throat closed up as did his outstretched hand. 

You woke up in a cold sweat, shaking your bed,Rey shot up in the dark. Her hair a mess she looked at you in fear, her lifestyle taught her to be a light sleeper and here you were scaring her half to death over a dream.   
Her accent broke quietly through the still air   
“Are you alright (Y/n)?”   
Her saying your name was all you needed, it helped you feel grounded and alive, like you hadn't just dreamt of some horrific yet mesmerizing stranger choking you for asking his name.   
“I'm fine Rey, just a crazy dream.”   
You smoothed her messy waves, her tribuns always left her hair a brown curled mass, she yawned, knowing you both were safe sleep easily veiled over her, you tried to do the same. 

The next morning was spent cleaning, and packing up night clothes. Rey was in the shower, her foster mother would be coming to get her after lunch, Finn's adoptive father already picked him up and Poe just walked himself back home.   
You were making some spaghetti when your mind flashed back to last nights dream, the boy was just so strange to you, he almost terrified you, but somehow you were kinda okay with it.   
You wanted to tell Rey, maybe even ask Hux if he knew who he was, but something in you told you this was a secret you'd have to keep to yourself, your answers would come when it was time. 

You were looking through the ordering catalog, there was so many combinations to choose from when it came to First Order Academy uniforms.   
Hux told you you'd at least need 4 to start, he actually sent you suggestions on what you'd probably look good in that could be mixed and matched.   
You could get your own slacks if you wished, but coats, ties, and sweaters were all to be ordered from the catalog. You settled on the classic uniform coat, 2 sweater vests, and one normal sweater. You'd really only need one tie anyway, you decided on red seeing as the rest of your attire would be black and grey.   
Thankfully your family could afford the uniforms, the prices were lower than expected, but definitely not cheap. As summer was coming to a close you found yourself with Hux more and more often, he felt the need to prep you for school life seeing as he was the one who brought you to First order.   
“Now you're likely to get in a few fights, the students at First order are all ones to grow bored quickly and will jump at the chance to start drama.”   
You nodded, you could imagine, being rich and having everything handed to you on a silver platter, that must be sooooo hard and boring. You were going to be very sarcastic throughout this experience to say the least. 

As school was approaching Rey had been coming around way more often, she was troubled, she had Finn and a few new friends at school from last year, but as Poe said you both were very close, she was scared.   
It's not like you were far, but you were far enough to be out of her reach and it scared you too.   
You promised her she could call any time of the day and you'd pick up, you promised, she needed something to soothe her nerves. You hoped someone could fill your spot at school if only to keep her happy while you became accustomed to what First Order Academy was going to throw at you.


	5. First Days and His Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The academy is hard to navigate,and you're afraid of this place already

You felt a cold sweat bead at your back as you entered the large building, what had seemed awe striking, was now nerve wracking.  
You readjusted your tie, you wanted to look your best for your first day, you did look pretty sharp in your uniform, you were a little impressed by how orderly it made you seem.  
Your schedule was issued to you, thankfully you had English first, nothing too complicated right?  
God you were wrong, oh so very very wrong.  
The teacher was already relaying reading lists, she gave you a reading assignment for the first night so she could place where you were and then proceeded to give out notes upon notes.  
This was hard for a first morning, but you would pull through, a little reading assignment and some notes would not be your downfall.  
As you walked down the hall, you hurriedly looked at room numbers, god this school was huge, this felt worse than being a freshman.  
“(Y/n)?”  
You almost burst into grateful tears at the site of Hux, he promptly took your schedule and gave it a look over.  
“I'm in your next class and lunch, let's go before we're late.”  
He seemed to be a little short with you this morning, his request short clipped as he turned on his heel barely giving you time to catch up. 

As it turned out Hux was an important part of the student body, his father was a big investor of the school. Hux obviously took great pride in his status, he was already telling you of his campaign for sophomore class representative.  
Physics went by like a breeze after that, but you still had to go geometry. The teacher blabbed on about the year's curriculum and passed out study materials, but you were somewhere else.  
You wondered what everyone was doing at New republic, was Rey's first period teacher nice? Did Finn remember to pack his lunch? Was Poe being helpful with the freshman?  
You sighed a bit too loud and the teacher narrow her eyes at you, causing you to blush and shrink into your seat. It was going to be a long year for you.  
You praised maker when lunch finally came, you brought your own food so all you had to do was find a seat.  
Your eyes scanned the crowd for the neat head of red hair you'd grown accustomed to over the summer, you soon found it and strode over.  
Hux welcomed you, but he wasn't alone, a very tall girl sat next to him. Her hair was held in a tight platinum blonde bun, her jacket lay folded on her lap so you could see her well filled white button up, she was obviously athletic in some way.  
“(Y/n) this is Phasma, she's captain of our school's drill team.”  
You nodded and offered your hand, she took it and gave it a crushing squeeze  
“Glad to make your acquaintance (Y/n).”  
“The feeling is mutual Phasma,that's not a name you run into everyday.”  
You didn't notice the warning signs on her face, she was beginning to glare until you chimed back in  
“I really like it, interesting name for an interesting person.”  
The glare melted back to a look of stoicism  
“They can stay.”  
You were confused as Hux held back a laugh, he seemingly understood the statement that flew over your head.  
You began unpacking your lunch and making small talk about the day with your companions, turned out Phasma was in your eighth period for world history. You were particularly excited about that class, you were just a nerd for it and you didn't care who knew.  
As you were laughing at one of Phasma’s quips you felt a presence behind you.  
“You're in my seat.”  
That voice, you did not recognize, but it gave you a familiar feeling.  
“There's six other chairs at this table, take your pick.”  
You were surprised to see Hux speak so rudely, you were used to his backhanded compliments but this was new.  
“I don't want a new seat, I want my seat, I laid claim to it last year so it's mine.”  
“Just shut up and sit down.”  
You turned a little, but this stranger had already walked to the other side of you.  
Your heart caught in your throat as you saw who say down.  
He was a bit messier than you remembered but it was him alright, the boy who invaded your dreams and choked you for asking his name. His uniform was almost the same as all of yours but instead of a grey jacket with dark grey lining, his was jet black with deep red accents. The only color on your uniform was the small stitching on your left breast pocket of the school insignia, a hexagon with a spiked circle inside and your tie.  
You took note of his sneakers, the laces messily done while most had some form of dress shoes on, he noticed you staring and gave you a look you were sure would have killed you if you hadn't broken eye contact.  
So intimidating.  
But the way his raven hair framed his face you still felt the tug in your mind  
‘What is your name?’  
Your throat burned at the thought.  
“(Y/n) this is Be-”  
“I can introduce myself Hux.”  
The red haired teen huffed at the interruption, “Don't act like you were going to.”  
Kylo turned to you, he leaned in a little too close for your comfort relishing in it seeing as it also seemed to set Hux off.  
In his deep voice he stated  
“I am Kylo ren.”  
It was so small, but finally knowing, you almost wanted to say it out loud just for kicks.  
You heard Hux say something along the lines ‘really Ben solo’ but you were adrift, it was hard to grasp what he was saying.  
Kylo had already sat back insisting to Hux he had been polite to you, which set Hux off on how polite Kylo could be much to his amusement.  
But your mind was just so ecstatic to finally know his name, his voice.  
‘I am Kylo ren’  
You wanted to get to know this Kylo ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylos first lines finally after 5 chapters


	6. Art class and Kylo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You just wanted to enjoy art, but your shadow now has a face and a name and insists on sitting next to you

The first week of school had been long and informative, the second week was when work really began, First Order Academy had a tight schedule to keep, top students with top grades did not come from dilly dallying.   
You were getting used to your schedule,you only saw Hux in physics and lunch, Phasma in eight period history, things you'd grown to look forward to.   
But to your surprise, sixth period art class was what really held your interest the most, and it wasn't the art that was captivating you.   
When you walked in for the first time and saw Kylo you felt stiff as a board, you were going to try to avoid him but he didn't let you.   
As soon as you chose a perfectly good table he sat right next to you, he didn't even say anything he just sat and listened along with you as the teacher gave the class's introduction.   
It'd been like the whole week until today.   
You were to start your first assignment, the teacher just wanted to see what you all could do right now so he asked you to draw whatever you like in whatever style you prefer.   
You loved all the arts but drawing wasn't your claim to fame, you weren't too bad at it but you just considered it one of your many hobbies you could always improve on.   
You drew a couple of cartoony looking ladies, you loved drawing women because of their diversity in shape and size they were just fun warm ups.   
Your eyes trailed to Kylo’s work, you made out the outline of some sort of shape but you just couldn't make out what it was before he covered it.   
“Stop it.”   
“Stop what?”   
He seemed to grow agitated before he had a mild outburst   
“Staring! That's all you do is stare, and linger and it getting on my nerves.”   
You bit your lip, was he serious?   
“Well for one thing, you sat here, and if anyone's always staring, it's you Kylo.”   
He looked at you for a moment, like he was trying to hold back something, suddenly he'd went from mysterious dream guy you knew nothing about to a child walking the thin line of throwing a fit. But then he just quietly said.   
“I'll stop staring if you do.”   
You pondered on it a moment, and decided to tease him   
“Maybe I want to keep staring.”  
He seemed taken aback by your words and just grunted, deciding to focus more on his drawing.   
You'd definitely won that one.   
It'd been quiet for some time between you two, the room murmured with other people but it seemed serenely quiet to you two.   
“I only sat here because you were the only person in here I recognized.”   
You nodded, understandable, this school was so big, finding a familiar face was hard so even if you didn't know eachother well you too took comfort in the fact you didn't sit with a complete stranger.   
Your eyes once again trailed to his work, his arm was making it hard for you to decipher what it was.   
“Can I just look at what you're doing? I promise I won't laugh.”   
Your hear him chuckle low in his throat before giving you a sharp look   
“If you did you'd regret, I'd make sure of it.”   
But even as he said that he removed his arm and allowed you to see his drawing.   
It was well shaded, a pencil work, it was only halfway don't but it seemed to be some sort of melted mass.   
“What is it?”   
“My grandfather's helmet.”   
He seemed very proud of himself stating the fact, this peaked your interest, it felt good to have a conversation with him seeing as how he came off as so closed up.   
“Who was your grandfather?”   
He seemed to falter, like telling you was beneath him, he pulled his paper away and looked away. Once again silence.   
“It's none of your business.”   
“Okay if you say so.”   
“Of course it's if I say so...he was a great man and that all you need to know.”   
Well so much for that break through.

Hux decided to walk you home, his father was once again away on some business trip and his mother was basking in the sun on some island somewhere. He didn't like being alone and your company was sufficient to sweep away his ebbing loneliness for a time. He mostly wanted to know about your experience with Kylo that day   
“He actually showed you his drawing?”   
You nodded, a light smile on your lips   
“It was quite nice, even if I didn't know what it was.”   
This is what put Hux off, knowing ren it probably had something to do with his weird obsession.   
“He said it was his grandfather's helmet.”   
exactly as he suspected.   
“Don't tell me he told you the stories.”   
“No, he got quiet after that, I guess too much conversation bothered him.”   
Hux was shocked because ren practically leaped at the chance to tell anyone about his amazing grandfather who had fought in a great war and then founded this school, back then it was called Empire preparatory.   
But things change, the name was changed as the times did, new people took up the title as dean.   
Kylo didn't even come here until after-   
“I'd really like for him to tell me.”   
Hux considered you a friend, and by all means didn't want you involved with the likes of Kylo ren, friends or not he knew ren was trouble, he had a temper and a tendency to cut off his emotions for his own personal triumph.   
But at the same time he felt like ren would tell you, like he would tell you more than he'd ever told him that's for sure. He wasn't sure what it was about you, you were ren’s polar opposite. It was like you were painted with a soft light and he was caked with dark.   
He could only hope good would come out of this.  
“I'm sure he will, he loves telling those stories over and over I assure you.”   
This seemed to give you comfort, it did not do the same for Hux


	7. Opening up in two ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo reacts in a small way you're glad to have witnessed, and Hux opens up suprising you

“Dude seriously just pass me the water colors.”   
“Don't ‘dude’ me, can't you see I'm obviously busy?”   
You wanted to pull your hair out, you were almost a month into First order academy and everything seemed okay.  
The work was vigorous but you soon adapted, the only thing you couldn't seem to adapt to was Kylo ren.   
He insisted on being partnered with you during the collaboration project you’d been assigned in art, but then proceeded to do everything his way and complain about you.   
He was confusing to say the least.   
You were working on coloring the lineart he'd done, you honestly would've liked to do something more warm like an island, but Kylo insisted his harsh cold landscape of trees frosted in snow was the better option. He was so irritable, it was exasperating but somehow he'd reel you in with the tiniest bit of approval.  
It was your weakness and you hated it.   
“Kylo please, I just want it to look nice.”   
“We're not going for nice,we're going for perfect.”   
He passed you the colors,you smiled in thanks, only receiving his stoic face in response.   
You definitely had a lot to complain about when it came to Kylo, but you still had this strange fixation with him even if it wasn't as strong as when you first met.   
He wasn't as mysterious, but he was no open book that was for sure, sometimes he'd open up and say something personal, that usually caused him to snap shut immediately for letting too much slip.  
You didn't think he trusted you quite yet. 

Kylo watched as you worked, shading in the snow with faded blues, it was really something watching you work.  
But he still felt that itch of working with another person, it meant you'd be putting your own spin on things instead of doing everything like he'd envision.  
How he despised partner work.  
But you weren't completely awful but that didn't mean he liked you. You always had this dumb smile on your face, telling him about your day or funny tidbits about Hux he'd missed in passing periods, you were sickening.   
The worst part was when he actually engaged in conversation with you, he didn't know what it was but he always ended up too relaxed, he'd say too much and you didn't deserve to know his deepest thoughts.  
But for some reason he couldn't stop telling you them, that's why he tried so hard not to speak to you outside of class.   
“So I guess you're ignoring that whole ‘I won't stare if you don't’ thing huh Kylo?”   
You chuckled not looking up from your work, Kylo actually let a short laugh slip from his lips.   
It instantly caught your attention, he panicked and tried to cover it with a cough.

Your whole mind lit up in excitement, you'd finally got something other than a grunt or a cynical response out of Kylo ren.   
He tried not to look at you, resting his face on his palm trying to look casual but you both knew what happened.  
“It's alright Kylo, I won't tell anyone.”   
He glared but you couldn't help but grin the rest of the period. 

“Oh my gosh you didn't.”   
Phasma was easier to soften than Kylo, as soon as she'd taken a liking to you her cold exterior thawed, only a little, but enough to feel welcoming.   
You continued copying down your notes as you nodded   
“It was short, but it was definitely a laugh.”   
She shook her head giving you a thin smile   
“You're a miracle worker or something (Y/N).”   
You snorted at this   
“Don't tell him I told you, I'm pretty sure he'll hate me twice as much as he already does if you do.”   
She rolled her eyes at you, dismissing the notion with a wave of her hand   
“Don't worry, we'd both be in hot water if he knew anyway.”   
Smart girl. Phasma may have been one of the most interesting people you'd met in some time, she was almost 6 feet tall at 16, her drill team was flawless as you'd heard, and her accent definitely was a great detail, you were glad you were friends. 

 

Hux had been walking you home a lot more lately, he finally confided in you about his family and it brought you just a little closer.   
It sounded dreadful to say the least, his home was so big but so empty he'd just blast music through the halls just to hear something other than himself.   
“Do you want to come over to my place for a little bit? I don't think my mom would mind.”   
He stopped mid step, he'd been to your home before in the summer but you were both usually alone since your parents worked longer in summer but your mother would be home about now.   
“Are you sure she wouldn't mind?”   
You nodded as you began turning the corner to your street   
“Just stay for a little bit, we can knock out some homework maybe watch a movie?”   
He walked with a lighter step as he nodded at the idea. 

“(Y/N)? That you?”   
You hung your book bag up as you called out   
“Yes it's me! I have a friend over is that okay?”   
“Poe?”  
“No, Hux.”   
“Hux?”   
You lead Hux into the kitchen, he sat on a stool with you, your mother smiled   
“Oh that Hux, they talk about you all the time.”   
Hux gave you a look as your face glowed with a bright red blush   
“Moooom.”   
She ruffled your hair as she turned to your guest   
“Would you like anything to drink dear? Maybe a snack?”   
Hux nodded hands folded on the counter   
“Both sound lovely Mrs.(L/N).”   
She gestured to the fridge   
“Well you two help yourselves, there's fruit and such in there and some waters, I'm gonna get started on dinner.” 

You and Hux snacked on some grapes and watched a film, he looked content as you yammered on about your day and dumb stories you had yet to tell him about yourself.  
“(Y/N).”   
You paused your babbling, giving him your attention  
“Hm?”   
“Thank you..I really don't know how we got to be like this, but I'm glad we're friends.”   
You felt elated, Hux acted so different at school but he seemed to loosen only in the slightest when you hung out.   
“We probably got here because some dork decided a high school theatre show would be a good way to fill up his time.”   
You playfully shoved him, lightening the mood as he laughed, your mother called out to you both   
“(Y/N)? Does Hux want to stay for dinner.”   
He answered before you could   
“If you'll have me I'd love to.”   
“We'll have you, it's no problem at all.”   
He smiled wide and you were glad you invited him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your friendships seem to be building nicely, for now


	8. Crushed wrist and spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitaka gets too comfortable too fast, and your lunch period is a mess

You stared out the window, class wouldn't start for another two minutes so you had the time to daydream. You were now in the middle of October, summer long faded into fall and you were stressed. Thankfully you did have help from friends, there were plenty of study groups after school but even lightened your workload still weighed upon you. It felt like you hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in ages.

The windows were frosting, it was a fairly chilly morning, you were glad your uniform sweater was so warm paired with your coat. You tried to focus, physics wasn't a your best subject and to make things worse your teacher decided to change seating arrangements, Hux was now far across the room with a new partner. You wondered who would be paired with you this grading cycle.

The bell rang and your question was quickly answered, a meek looking boy sat down next to you quickly retrieving his note taking materials from his worn messenger bag. You eye him, he had a pale complexion, neat but wavy short curls on his head, he was almost cute. You smiled at him, he returned it whispering to you

“I'm Mitaka, I used to sit behind you last grading cycle.”

Did he? You hadn't paid much attention, you just nodded pretending to remember for his sake

“Right, well it's nice to meet you I'm-”

“(Y/N) I over heard Hux addressing you some time ago.”

A little rude, you didn't appreciate being interrupted but you'd let it slide. You turned and began to listen to the lesson.

 

You were leaving geometry when someone called to you in the crowded hall.

“(Y/N)! Wait up!”

You were confused as Mitaka clapped his hand on your shoulder, he had such a light grip, annoyance began to bud within you but you forced a smile on your face, he probably just had something about class he needed help with right?

“How can I help you Mitaka?”

He seemed to lightly shake as he scratched the back of his neck

“I just thought you'd like some company during lunch.”

“We have the same hour? Interesting.”

He nodded and you sighed, getting a bit chummy wasn't he?

“I'm fine, I already have company.”

He seemed to shrink at this but looked as if he was willing his confidence to cooperate with his intentions

“I know you sit with Hux and Phasma, your table could take one more right?”

You really wanted him to go away, it was true that your table had quite a few extra seats, but Kylo didn't like new people at the last minute.

You had already stepped into the lunchroom, you wanted to be rude and tell him to buzz off but your natural need to not cause trouble made it so you couldn't tell him no. You sat down with your lunch and Hux gave you a look. You had a silent conversation, he glanced to Mitaka as to ask about his presence, you lightly shook your head to indicate it wasn't your doing.

Mitaka was silent as you ate, he sort of just stared at you, was he aware of it? This was getting more and more uncomfortable as it progressed, couldn't he take a hint?

Hux tried to distract you by asking about your day and weekend plans, but the thick feeling of discomfort wasn't cut until Kylo slammed his tray onto the table. Mitaka seemed to straighten in fear, everyone else remained causal, you shot him a smile feeling better instantly with his presence, he did not return the gesture as expected. To your surprise he didn't ask about Mitaka, he didn't even acknowledge him, he just grumpily dug into his lunch.

You were screaming internally, you'd practically begged him with your thoughts to scare Mitaka off so you could enjoy your lunch in peace but your silent plea went unanswered. You finished and began placing your lunchbox away when Kylo finally said something

“Are you just going to keep staring at them like some idiot?”

You looked at both of them, you suddenly felt bad when you saw Mitakas expression, it was a tad bit annoying but he obviously wasn't trying to do any harm. Yet you still silently thanked Kylo in your mind, Mitaka lit up with a blush and mumbled an apology as he hurriedly got up to leave.

“I'll see you in physics (Y/N)..”

You waved to him and he was gone. You sighed in relief, but Kylo took it as something else

“What? You upset I scared off your little boyfriend?”

You gave him a look of confusion as Hux shook his head

“Ren you're shit at social cues.”

You wanted to protest, but Kylo was already heading out of the lunch room. You did something that surprised you, you got up abandoning your things as you headed out after him.

“Kylo!”

He just kept walking away, it was as if you weren't even there but you finally caught up to him.

“Why're you in such a hurry?”

He tried to walk away, you grabbed his shoulder trying to laugh it off and just explain what had happened, that you weren't mad but his features twisted into that of anger.

“Look I don't fucking know what you think you're doing, we're not friends, I don't care if you're upset or about you or any of the dumb things you do so don't flatter yourself!”

He had grabbed your wrist, he was practically crushing it, you yelped in pain and he instantly let go. Tears welled in your eyes, he looked like a deer caught in headlights, like he'd realized what he was doing a bit too late

“I wasn't upset, I didn't even want Mitaka to be there, I was glad you made him leave…”

 

Kylo was prone to anger, sometimes it felt like the only real constant in his life,he used it to fuel himself, spite was his drive, he used it to hurt people, to scare them. It's what completed his persona, it was what made him Kylo ren.

But he was feeling something he hadn't felt in a long time, remorse.

He looked at you, you had backed yourself to the wall opposite of him, he could feel it, you didn't feel safe anymore.

You were scared of him.

What usually would have fed his ego immensely, now made his chest feel like a hollow husk, his stomach turning to stone. He didn't know it but he'd never wanted you to be afraid of him. He didn't understand why he even cared what you did, but he'd seen you in the hall on the way to lunch, the way Mitaka had touched you with ease set his nerves on fire, it made him want to demolish the nearby lockers. Then he sat at his table, he felt betrayed by you, you let someone stare with obvious longing at you, like he'd done long before.

He should have known you didn't want the boy there, but he'd never been great in social situations, he'd been too distracted by his own jealousy to actually read how you felt. And now he'd boiled over and you were afraid.

Good god why did you have to keep looking at him like some wounded animal?

His eyes flicked to your wrist, it was definitely going to bruise, and remind you of what he did. It would show you the monster he was, the one he'd unknowingly tried to hide from you. His rage came again in a wave,he was frustrated with himself and he needed you to get away from him.

“STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.”

He lunged at you for good measure and then watched you wipe your tears, you scrambled to get yourself together as you ran down the hall away from him. He convinced himself that this was better, that you be afraid of him rather than continue with your efforts to befriend him.

But the small voice in his mind told him that's the opposite of what he wanted. But that didn't really matter did it?

 

You had heard about Kylo’s temper but actually witnessing it shook you, you were pretty sure you were having a panic attack. You rushed back to your table grabbing all your things, you ignored Hux and Phasma as you rushed away almost blinded by your hot tears.

You saw a bathroom down the hall, you decided that would be your sanctuary. You called your father, you begged him to come get you. You couldn't explain your tears in the car as he drove you home, you blamed it on stomach pain and insisted you just needed medicine and a nap. As you calmed down you're thoughts drifted back to the exchange you had with Ren.

_"...we're not friends, I don't care if you're upset or about you or any of the dumb things you do so don't flatter yourself!_ ”

Maybe you had been fooling yourself, but you couldn't fully believe what he said. He'd been opening up to you, or so you thought, for all you know he could have been just showing you what he wanted to show you just to appease your apparent interest in him. You couldn't really be sure. Rest, that's all you wanted right now, your phone was buzzing non stop with texts from Phasma and Hux, but you only wanted to talk to one person right now. You prayed she wasn't in class as you pressed her contact.

_Rey_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems rushed today


	9. Your Time, Not His

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends cheer you up and you take some time to think

  
Rey didn't come around until 5, it gave you quite enough time to shower and lay down for a bit.  
Something like this had never happened to you before, your wrist was quickly bruising, it was now a deep harsh red.  
Harsh like his anger.  
Your feelings of dread and fear had turn into that of vexation.  
If he didn't care about you, you wouldn't waste your time. You cursed yourself, your parents had always warned you, you had a big heart and it was easily hurt. You didn't understand why this was tearing you up as much as it was, it was just hard to imagine Kylo not being there like he had been.  
As hostile as he was you looked forward to your short amounts of time together.  
The tears were coming again, you tried to swallow them, tried to convince yourself you didn't need him, that you were better than this.  
You didn't need him, but god did you want him.  
Your quiet weeping was interrupted as your door was pushed open, the gust of air hit you as you sat up in bed as you saw them.  
A very wind swept Rey rushed over to you, Finn and Poe trailed behind her al wore worried expressions.  
“Maker what happened to you?”  
She brushed back your hair from your face as she crawled onto your bed, she was wiping your tears as you told her what had happened.  
“Kylo ren? What kind of name is that anyway? He doesn't deserve your tears.”  
She cooed in your ear, you felt like a child, you'd run to the safety of home at your first conflict.  
You laughed as your friends made an effort to cheer you up, they got you up and made you get dressed. Finn threw his arm around your shoulder squeezing you in a side hug as you grabbed your bag.  
“Poe’s gonna drive us somewhere special okay? Forget about all this nonsense, we're here now.”  
You smiled, you'd scarcely seen them since school started, but as soon as you needed them they were there.  
Rey was right, Kylo didn't deserve your tears, if he didn't care why should you? You had enough people who did that he wouldn't make a difference.  
But a small bit of your heart still twinged with want, you tried you best to quiet it.

Hux dragged Kylo on the familiar path to your house, he wasn't sure what happened but he was practically 100% sure it had something to do with Ren.  
“Do you just have to be awful at all times?”  
Ren didn't answer, his eyes were elsewhere as he asked  
“Where are you dragging me to?”  
Hux pushed air through his nose as he saw your house come into view.  
“I'm taking you to make an apology.”  
Kylo snorted  
“I do not apologize.”  
Hux's grip on Kylo’s wrist tightened, he turned on his heel and through gritted teeth said  
“Well you better start today, I don't care if you're one of Snoke’s ‘elites’ I kick your ass into next month so help me.”  
“How do you even know I did anything?”  
“Did you not?”  
Ren didn't answer, which was answer enough for Hux.  
He released Ren as he knocked on your door, he put on his polite voice when your mother answered the door.  
“Good evening Mrs.(L/N), is (Y/N) home?”  
She smiled at Hux but shook her head  
“Sorry dear, you just missed them.”  
Hux was confused and looked back at Ren who was picking at his nails  
“Missed them?”  
“Their friends just took them to the lake.”

  
You felt the breeze in your hair as you sat on the hood of Poe’s truck, music blasted from his stereo as you all drank the hot chocolates you picked up from the gas station.  
You smiled watching the water, it was too cold to go in but that's not why they took you here.  
It'd just always been beautiful here, you always found solace in the place no matter the season.  
You were trying so hard to sort your emotions, you had a million scenarios going on in your head, how to approach Kylo, you couldn't really avoid him or just not talk about this.  
“(Y/N) this is my song, you better come dance with me!”  
Rey called down from the picnic table near where you parked, you smiled and slid off the hood. Honestly this was your time, he could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes good friends and some thinking time are the best


	10. Outbursts and muffled apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get your apology

Kylo laid in his darkened dorm room,he couldn't sleep. He was plagued by nightmares, his mother screamed in the back of his head, his father's worn voice whispered at the skirts of his mind, Snoke’s demands even seemed quieted by you.

_" I wanted you to make him leave.”_

Why had you relayed such a responsibility to him? Why not Hux, or even Phasma? He saw how easily you connected with them, like it was nothing.

But you made such an effort with him,putting in so much energy just to get to know him. But that was partially his fault wasn't it? Kylo had a hard time with people, sometimes he thought even harder than Ben had.

Ben was a foolish boy, he let his loneliness get in the way of power, he let his mother send him away to his uncle's stupid boarding school. He let himself be ostracized, he let his excuse of a father convince him he could be happy at home.

Kylo had killed his father, sure the old man still lived in his houseboat, The Millenium Falcon, but he was dead in Kylo’s mind. Kylo had tried to rid himself of his mother as well, but he could never do that, he remember all the times he was left alone because his mother felt it more important to serve the government than to raise him, but Ben remembered that she didn't want it to be that way.

Now she's a retired senator, playing principal at some ratty public school for even rattier children. Snoke plucked him out of his uncles excuse of a school, now abandoned by himself and the school board, Ben became Kylo ren in an effort to create the man Snoke insisted he could become under his tutelage. Kylo was an ‘elite’ or a ‘knight’ as they liked to call themselves, he was in the top ten percent already in his sophomore year, he was number 1. He remembered the hell he had to go through to get there, all the sleep deprivation and the screams of Snoke to perfect himself. He was a model of the perfect student academically, but on the inside he was a mess.

Sometimes he wanted to go home and he punished himself for it, he couldn't go back, he was in too deep, Snoke was his main support paying for his meals and housing, things his scholarship could not cover. He had to fully immerse himself in First Order nothing would stand in his way.

But you were in his way.

You quieted his thoughts, you pushed everything else to the corners of his mind, all his focus was on you. At first you didn't seem special, you were no academic genius or anything. But when you talked to him, it was like you both had some connection deeper than friendly interaction.

You were just so soft a light in comparison to him, you were like a gentle bird, while he was a gnarled and twisted dark tree. But for some reason you still tried to build a home within him, he just couldn't understand you could have anyone he was sure of it but you wanted to know him, you wanted to see inside him. You got a glimpse of the real him last week, you'd been quiet around him, he couldn't bring himself to speak to you, he felt like he didn't deserve to every time he eyed his own finger marks still darkly painted on your wrist.

He felt angry tears building, he needed to hit something, anything. The wall was his first choice, he would definitely get another citation for damaging his room but he couldn't resort to screaming at this hour. His frustrated tears slowed at the sight of his bloodied knuckles. He deserved this. He deserved to feel broken.

This is what becoming Kylo Ren had turned him into.

 

You were in art class, Kylo sat next to you, his disheveled curls looking worse than usual. He had deep rings around his eyes and one hand wrapped in gauze. You felt worry rise in you, but said nothing. You made a promise to yourself that Kylo Ren was not your concern.

Not until he apologized.

You were working, you were supposed to be doing a piece based on your emotions. Yours was a soft blue landscape, it was the lake, you wanted to say you had a new confidence throwing Kylo away from yourself, that you felt so much better from doing so. But that would be a lie. You wanted to reach out and touch him so badly, you finally realized how you felt about him, but you couldn't let him hurt you emotionally too. So your life has become a soft shade of blue, hopefully you would brighten up soon, Hux had caught on and you didn't want to worry him like you had already worried Rey and the others.

Kylo was shaking beside you, his page was a deep red, he seemed like he was going to explode. He pushed the table away from himself, causing a ruckus everyone looked to your table. Kylo was having a break down, he was holding his head, his lips quivered and you weren't sure if he was trying not to scream or sob. He looked straight at you, you felt like a bolt of electricity shot through you with his gaze upon you.

“Kylo?”

“I'M SORRY OKAY.”

He jumped out of his seat, sprinting out into the hall ignoring the protest of your teacher. You only hesitated for a moment letting this sink in, then followed right behind him.

 

Kylo hated when he got like this,especially in front of others. Sometimes he could deal with presenting his anger in public because it only added on to his intimidating status,but this was different. He felt his frustration bubbling in waves, hot tears were coming and he knew it, he heard footsteps that were not his own down the hall, he'd have to pick up the pace to avoid being embarrassed any further by his own emotions. Why couldn't he just express things like this normally? He should've known bottling this up for so long would have these consequences.

At least he knew somewhere he could hide for now.

 

God damn he was fast, you were short of breath when you finally caught up to him. He had hid away in the vacant band hall, you found him in a corner covering himself. He sobbed into his knees, you were unsure what to do. You'd never seen him so vulnerable, you thought you'd been afraid of his anger but that was nothing in comparison to this. Then you'd feared for yourself, but how you feared for him.

“Kylo..”

He looked up at you, his molton brown’s boring into you. You flinched as he lunged towards you on his knees, he shoved his face into your stomach, his tears soaking into your sweater vest. He whispered muffled apologies into the knitted wool over and over. You brushed his hair as he wrapped his arms around the back of your legs.

“It's okay Kylo.”

“No it's not.” His hot breath muffled against your clothing.

You sighed, as you held his face up to look at you, his pale face flushed red and tear stained

“No it's not, but I forgive you, but you have to promise me something.”

He sniffled, pressing into your touch

“Anything.”

“I need you to tell me you'll never hurt me like that again.”

He was quiet for a moment, he released you, standing up so he could look at you at eye level. You wiped his cheeks, he grabbed your wrist, you almost pulled away until you realized how gentle it was.

He looked at what he had done, he sighed and looked you in they eye.

“I will never hurt you again." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo is kind of a mess


	11. Drunk and in his arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You just want to study but Phasma sends someone to fetch you for her party

It was a quiet Friday night for you, you absentmindedly chewed on your pen deeply immersed in your physics notes when your phone began to chime. Someone was texting you, that someone was Kylo.

“ _Come down stairs”_

You felt a bit unsure about his request, but you stood up from your bed trying to avoid pushing your sprawled notes from your sheets to the floor.

You opened your door to see Kylo standing on your porch, wrapped in a black round scarf and his hands buried deep in his equally dark coat’s pockets. You reveled in the sight, he looked so cute his cheeks and nose red from the cold.  
“Are you going to let me inside or are we just going to stare at one another the whole night?”

  
“Wouldn't be much different from our typical interactions now would it?”

  
“Shut up and let me in.”

You giggled as you moved from the doorway to allow him entry, it was quite the treat for Kylo to come over, the trek from his dorm to here was quite far.  
You and Kylo’s relationship had shifted a bit since his breakdown some weeks ago, he was still the same Kylo making you promise not to tell a soul about your moment together in the band hall, but there was also a new air to him. He was more open to you, only a little, but it was something you cherished.  
Honestly it only increased your feelings for him, but you would leave well enough alone, you didn't really feel he had those kinds of feelings for you.  
But then again it was hard for you to tell how he felt about a lot of things.

“Get dressed.”  
He was pushing you up your stairs, he'd barely been here 5 minutes and he wanted to give you orders? No sir.  
“What for?”  
He huffed, rolling his eyes like he'd forgotten he had to explain things to people.  
“Didn't you hear? Phasma is throwing a party.”

You did hear, but you had decided to stay home and study, much to her displeasure, she really wanted you to come since you didn't go out very often these days…  
It clicked in your mind.  
Phasma sent Kylo to fetch you.  
You cheeks flared with blush, you'd told Phasma of your small crush on Kylo and now here she was using it against you, she knew you couldn't say no to him!  
That awful, clever girl.

“Kylo I need to study for my test on Monday.”  
He was already digging through your closet trying to find your coat and boots as you continued to protest listing as many excuses as you could before he finally turned to you, his expression said he wasn't taking now for an answer.  
“You have all weekend to study, I refuse to attend this party alone so start getting ready.”

His deep brown eyes bore into you until you got moving, gathering the rest of an outfit as he tossed your cream colored coat your way.  
You were so glad your parents weren't home, it was date night so you'd need to leave a note of where you went.  
You weren't sure that would appease them but maybe if you got back before they did it wouldn't really matter.  
You were taking your pajama pants off when you realized Kylo was just standing in your closet doorway.

“Can you at least turn around?”

He shook his head like his mind had been somewhere else and quickly turned away, he didn't seem very embarrassed, but that was just Kylo.  
You pulled a blue long sleeve sweater over a white collared dress shirt, you ran your fingers through your hair quickly fixing it as turned to Kylo.  
“You can turn now Ky.”

He turned around, your outfit was casual you'd admit but you liked it, Kylo gave you a once over as you shrugged on your coat and began tying your boots. You hoped he thought you looked nice.

“Let's get going, we're going to be a little late.”

This was not a well thought out plan, neither you or Kylo had a car currently, you were both just walking quietly in the chilly night air. You could see your breath as it pushed out of your nose, you shivered and looked to Kylo. He didn't show that he was cold in any way, maybe he was just more accustomed to the cold seeing as he walked everywhere to begin with.

  
Kylo noticed you shaking like a leaf with the cold, he sighed, maybe he should have made you find a scarf or at least some gloves but it was too late to go back now.  
He saw your chilled hands, chapped by the air, maybe he could lend you some warmth.  
Kylo didn't really get nervous, it wasn't really in his nature to do so, but being unsure was what he felt right now.  
It peeked at little from the cuff of your coat, the faded yellow fingerprints he'd pressed into you all that time ago. Even if you had forgiven him he wasn't really ready to forgive himself, he'd promised you and himself he'd never hurt you like that again.  
But you were still a little wary of him, he saw it when he made small gestures towards you, he didn't want to scare you with this.  
He wouldn't lie, the cold wasn't the only thing that made him want to hold your hand.  
He'd never tell you, but after long restless nights alone with his thoughts, he realized how truly beautiful you were.  
You just had something that lit a fire in him, not one of anger, but of passion, he wanted to please you he just wasn't very good at showing it.

“You're going to get sick.”  
He felt his ears redden as you laughed, thankfully he could blame the cold, you were so cute like this even if you were shivering.  
“Yeah I should've bundled up more..”  
He stopped both of you on the sidewalk, you weren't that far from Phasma’s but he wanted to warm you up now.  
You looked surprised as he removed his round scarf placing it over your head, you smiled at him, giving him a small thank you before he finally went for it.  
He gently placed your hand in his, he took notice to how small it was as he laced his gloved fingers in yours.  
You gave him a bewildered look, he almost got mad and was going to pull his hand away, but you gave him a small squeeze and began to walk again.  
Sometimes Kylo couldn't believe this hold you had on him, it was like an unseen force pulled you two together, it made him want to tell you every secret he'd ever had, keep you close and never let you go.  
Even now as he held your hand he knew he could never have that, it just wasn't something meant for him, something he didn't deserve.  
He was a monster who only destroyed the things he loved.  
He wouldn't let himself destroy you.

Kylo’s gesture surprised and delighted you, the boys scarf was so warm and smelt of him, you hoped he didn't notice you taking small whiffs of the fabric as you wrapped it closer to you.  
He was practically a furnace you realized holding his hand, even through his Scarlett gloves you could feel his body heat.  
You found yourself shifting closer to him, placing your head on his shoulder, it was only for warmth.  
That's definitely all it was.

Once you both finally got to Phasmas front steps the party was just heading into full swing. The bass rattled the walls of Phasmas modest but impressive house, it was not Hux’s mansion but it was not small a perfect space to throw a party.  
Phasma’s parents always let her throw these parties, they went out of town and wanted her to be social, lucky her, there must've been more than 100 people scattered throughout the house. Your mother barely allowed you 1 person over when she wasn't in town.  
Phasma rushed to you as she saw you in the doorway, Kylo instantly dropped your hand as she neared, she probably hadn't seen, you tried not to take offense you knew how he felt about his reputation.

“(Y/N)! I knew you'd make it, good job Ren I knew I could count on you to bring them out here.”  
Kylo grumbled at the praise as she began ushering you to a side room. She opened a door to reveal a pile of coats.  
“C'mon shed your layers kiddos.”

You started taking off your coat, maybe you could keep the scarf on, would Kylo mind? You weren't sure if you should take the chance so you took it off handing it back to him.

Phasma handed you a red cup as soon as you exited the coat room, she told you to unwind and enjoy yourself before she was whisked away once again. Kylo seemed to have been lost in the crowd too because he was nowhere to be seen.  
You made your way through the house, it was quite nicely decorated, kinda weird thing to be taking note of at a party but you were too nervous to branch out and interact with all these strangers around.  
It felt like you'd been wandering for over an hour, you swore you'd emptied your cup and somehow here it was filled once again, how cool was that? You were beginning to feel dizzy, the drink had burned your throat, it wasn't the first alcoholic drink you'd had but this one was making you buzzed much faster than usual.  
You felt like you were in a haze when a familiar ginger bumped into you, he looked so weird this disheveled his dress shirt wrinkled and his usually neat hair messy, even his tie was undone.  
“Who are you and what have you done with Hux?”  
You giggled as he wrapped his arm around your shoulder laughing at your reaction to his appearance  
“I'm Hux after uh….”  
He counted on his fingers, seeming to struggle and have to start over before he gave up on  
“Like 7 mixed drinks.”  
You scoffed, you were in a joking mood  
“7 drinks Hux? I'm surprised at you, a candidate for class representative completely shit faced, whatever will this do for your campaign?”  
He hummed as if going over your statement and with a completely straight face he replied  
“Guess the tabloids will be coming for me any day now, slandering my name, my future candidacy ruined.”  
You busted out laughing as he gulped down the rest of his drink to punctuate his reply, the music changed to a song you remembered liking once before you got so buzzed.  
You dragged Hux limply to the dance floor in Phasma’s living room, you both clumsily placed your arms in the right places and started swaying.  
“W-wait I know how to dance, just like, just like take two steps the front, one to the back..just do what I do.”  
You hummed as you tried your best to follow Hux’s steps, you don't even remember the last time you'd gotten drunk, you were only 16 after all but the sensation wasn't too new.  
Time felt slow and thick as you and Hux continued to move, but soon you brushed against someone else.

Kylo had finally found you once again, he had gotten swept away from you into the swell of the party, he was a bit uncomfortable to say the least but he chatted idly with classmates he recognized.  
When he'd seen you on the dance floor with Hux his blood ran hot.  
Kylo would never admit it but he was jealous of Hux, in certain respects at least, he had a way with people that he envied greatly. Hux had brought you into his life, he should thank him, but the way he held you even in his drunken haze seemed to please you. It made Kylo want to drive him through a wall.

  
Kylo hadn't felt like this about anyone in a long time, there had been very few people before this but nothing serious, nothing that made him feel this burning ache in his bones.  
He wanted to lash out and push Hux away, he wanted you to himself, he always got what he wanted why would this be different?  
But that would be selfish, he usually didn't consider these factors but it would definitely scare and upset you.  
He never wanted you to fear him again.  
So he went an unfamiliar route he'd been learning to use with you, he strode up to you and you brushed against him as he stood behind you.  
The music was blaring and rattling his skull, but he still felt quiet, not quiet serene, but calm as he gently pulled you from Hux. He didn't really protest, Kylo knew how drunk the ginger could get off Phasmas parents’ unlocked liquor cabinet.  
He wasn't sure what to do with you now, you felt so right in his hold he could've stood there all night, but you had other plans for him.  
“Decided to cut in didn't you?”  
He could smell the drink in your breath, you had been gone for over 2 hours who knows how many drinks Phasma could've put in your hand.  
You were placing his hand at your waist, guiding his other to into yours, he instantly felt blush rocketing into his cheeks, you wanted to dance.  
All the banquets he had attended most of his life as a senator's son and a prodigy student had in no way paid off in his dancing skills, he was a little too long, his legs always felt so awkward, it felt like he'd never grow into himself.  
But you were already leading him, your small feet keeping to the rapid beat, this kind of dancing did not truly fit the scenery of everyone jumping and the flashing lights of Phasma’s small light system, but it was all he could do anyway.  
You pressed your face into his chest, muttering things he couldn't understand, he was too lost in his own thoughts anyway.  
How did you feel about him? You obviously liked him in someway,god knows why but you did. But the question was, did you like him the same way he liked you?  
Kylo had never been in love before, he had never allowed himself the luxury, he didn't feel he deserved what they sang in all the love songs or gushed about in poetry.  
But he felt this now, it was completely different from what everyone had ever said and written.  
It felt like you'd busted him open, all his layers and walls caved at your touch, your drunken giggles wafting over there wreckage that was him and his love.  
He loved you.  
He wanted to scream it, he wanted to tell strangers on the street, his heart raced it felt like he should be running for miles and miles. It scared the hell out of him.  
All he could do was stay on this dance floor swaying with you.  
He swallowed, trying to project his typical stoic exterior, but on the inside he almost felt a glimmer of happiness soon cut with dread as he held you closer.  
He realized he loved you, but monsters like him don't receive love from people like you.

 

Your mind was a fuzz of thoughts right now, but the smell of Kylo was taking over most of them. He is just so tall, you felt small in his hold. But you adored the attention he was giving you, he didn't even protest to dancing with you.  
Honestly he was awful at it, his large feet clipped your toes multiple times but it was just fine with you, as long as he didn't let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teen drinking is very bad  
> But this is a fic so whatever


	12. Shape of a man and a different boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice sight comes at a price

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little short, no Kylo POV this chapter

Chapter 12

The party had been weeks ago, Kylo had gotten you home just in time and your drunkenness had faded enough to be passed as tiredness to your parents, all's well that ends well.  
Well almost.  
Kylo hadn't quite avoided you, but he seemed to become much quieter than usual, you worried about him. You hoped you hadn't done something weird at the party, your memories of it were fuzzy.

  
You were distracted as you worked on your painting.  
Now usually traditional art and painting was just a minor hobby, but your teacher had asked you and several other students to come in after school to make a series of paintings to display at an art show in the coming months.  
You decided to try to do realism, it wasn't 100% but you could at least pass it off as such.  
Your brush slicked more red paint in a sharp line, it was the first of your six paintings, they would all be in a different color and setting. So far it was going well but you were a bit worried, you mostly had done acting and writing, you hoped you could conquer this unfamiliar terrain of the art show scene.

You were cleaning your brushes when he creeped into your mind again, Kylo seemed to always be on your mind, whether it was worrying for him or fantasizing about his touch…  
You shook your head as if it would clear your head, the memory of his long arms around you had stained itself in your mind. One memory you did hold from the night.  
You were trying to ignore your thoughts of him as you packed up your things.

You were heading towards the main entrance when you passed the gym. You heard the sound of wood hitting wood, usually you would've just brushed it off but you felt the gnawing need to investigate.  
The school was almost vacant, you'd stayed later than you thought being the last to leave the art room, maybe it was just one of the martial arts club members still practicing.

The gymnasium was dimly lit, only one section brightened as the others were bathed in darkness, you walked down the side of the bleachers as the noise grew louder.  
The sound of wood hitting wood was now accompanied by short cries of excursion, you peeked around the bleachers, trying not to be seen.  
It was Kylo.  
You were surprised, but then again the boy did live in the dorms, maybe he had some special pass to practice in here? He was using a wooden training sword on a wooden dummy.  
He was only in a faded red t shirt and grey joggers, his hair pulled back, he was covered in a light sheen of sweat as if he'd been at it for some time.  
You bit your lip as you watched him, you felt a bit shameless as your eyes tailed to his toned arms, you'd really only seen Kylo covered up, even outside of school he sported layered outfits, this was the most you'd ever seen of him.  
You felt your face flush, this was so creepy of you to be ogling at him like this, you'd ought to turn around right now and head right out of this auditorium, you needed to get home.  
….  
Maybe just one more look for the road.

“Ren.”  
Your final look was interrupted as an ancient laced voice called out to your subject of interest.  
Kylo ceased his angry slashes on the wooden dummy, looking to the figure your eyes now followed to.  
You couldn't see the figures face, only the shape of him as he sat in the shadows of the bleachers opposite to Kylo.  
He stood at attention, an uneasiness grew in you as the shape of what you suspected was a man went on.  
“You've been distracted.”  
He seemed to bit back frustration at this statement, his hands shaking  
“I'm sorry supreme leader..my mind has been elsewhere.”  
“Elsewhere? And where would that be?”  
You felt anxiety building in you, Kylo seemed to fidget under the man's gaze, you'd never seen him like this, it brought a bad taste to your mouth that anyone could do this to Kylo.  
“Exams and studying..that's all, I promise I will find my focus.”  
“Exams..I'm not sure I believe you Ren.”  
Kylo was taken aback by this, you wanted to leave but you were afraid of what would become of Kylo if you did.  
“I see all Ren, did you think you could hide your new “friend” for long?”  
New friend? It couldn't possibly-  
“They have nothing to do with this, (Y/n) will not be an issue supreme leader.”  
“They better not be, you will find your focus Ren or I will find it for you.”  
He shook, trying to hold back is yells, he mentioned your name casually, had you been a topic of discussion before?-

“You wouldn't!”

Your thoughts were interrupted by Kylo's outburst, your focus was once again on him   
“I would Ren, I have plans for you and if the child continues to be a distraction I will expel them from this school.”

“YOU'VE ALREADY TAKEN SO MUCH FROM ME, YOU CAN'T TAKE THIS TOO!”

  
The man stomped down on the bleachers, they rattled loudly, silencing Kylo as he realized his mistake.  
“Your anger is to be used to fuel you, I will not accept you throwing a tantrum at me like a child, do you understand Ren?"

  
Kylo was quiet staring at the floor, you could imagine frustrated tears in his eyes.  
“Do you understand!?”  
Kylo nodded  
“Yes supreme leader.”  
“Good, now leave,were done for the day.”

You booked it the hell out of there as soon as Kylo was dismissed, you were pretty sure they heard you crash into the door, you were so stupid.  
What the hell was that even about? Why was some creepy faceless shadow telling Kylo what to do and why was he calling it supreme leader.  
Your previous thoughts of his attractiveness were swept under the rug of your mind as it was dominated by what the “Supreme Leader” had threatened Kylo with

_“...If the child continues to be a distraction I will expel them from this school.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna try to regulate my upload schedule


	13. Camera shots and focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your hard work bears fruit

 

Kylo only got more distant with the coming weeks, he never questioned if you had been there that day but you just had a feeling he knew. 

It was harder to find the time to talk to him about the questions buzzing in your mind, about that man who seemed to turn the intimidating Kylo Ren into some nervous teenage boy seeking approval.

It just felt so strange, _ human _ , to see Kylo acting that way, it still scratched at your mind almost every day, what kind of man did he have to be to turn your ever stoic and mysterious Kylo into just like everyone else, scared.

You were finally doing what you’d actually been brought to do, bring awards and commending certificates to add to the every full First Order display case, you’d really immersed yourself in your traditional art, your project you’d been working on after school for the past few weeks was chosen with two others to be displayed and be subject to judging at this year's Academic Art Festival. You were excited to say the least, you would be there with your display, a six piece set semi realism. 

You’d chosen your friends as your subjects, they’d been quite surprised when you told them, but they were eager to be models for your work. 

Well almost everyone. 

Kylo had been quite reluctant, he didn't like having photos taken of himself or being put to canvas with oil paints, but even so you’d convinced him, he took one photo standing as straight as a rod without an inkling of emotion on his face. You wanted a better reference photo so you decided you’d grab a more candid shot later in the project.

All the other pieces were blooming with color, the top half consisted of your original trio, Rey working with a baton in the shade, Finn captured in more of a moment of comedy making a silly face for your camera, and Poe lovingly holding up BB-8, the corgi loving the attention as you snapped the shot.

The bottom three were if it wasn't obvious, your current group, Phasma in a more lax moment in her ever crisp ROTC uniform, you know she would've preferred the stiff shot of her and her squadron but you decided the other shot felt more real and fit better with the rest of the pieces. Then coming in second was Hux, this one actually hadn’t been planned.

You had been invited to attend on of his mother's many dinner parties, she was home a bit more as winter blended into spring and Hux would lie and say he'd rather the house be empty than full of business executives and housewives, but you knew the truth, he liked his mother being there. 

You’d both escaped to his father's study, quite tired with the night's events, it was still winter so a fire was lit, Hux slumped into an overstuffed leather chair. You knew that was your moment, you only had your phone and your memory to seize the moment, but you thought you’d immortalized it quite well. 

The last piece was of, you guessed it, Kylo. 

He’d been avoiding you once again so it made it harder to find a good moment of him, but you were determined, you would complete your project with him as the final piece, you just had to or you’d go crazy.

You’d be lying if you hadn’t dreamt of painting those raven locks on your canvas board for weeks, your heart sped just thinking of it.

It finally happened, he had been acting particularly peculiar that afternoon, he skipped art class, you’d taken the bathroom pass to investigate for yourself what he was up to.

That's when you saw him in his perfect moment, he was walking up the dirt path of the back courtyard, you watched unseen from a window as he crossed into the now flowering field.

Then he just, lied down.

He made it seem like a normal thing to do, lying back in a field in the middle of a school day, his jacket adjacent to him as he picked at pieces of grass examining them without a care it appeared.

Your heart swelled at the innocence of it when Kylo was anything but, he told you of the things he’d done to others, things he wasn't proud, some things he was. You prayed he’d like it as you took the shot, it felt fitting to you, you were close enough to possibly reach him, yet you chose to admire from afar.

It was your best piece in your opinion.

One thing was wracking your mind as you began to head to lunch, your two groups had never really collided before, sure New Republic and The First Order had their deep running rivalry but you knew they could get along, right? 

You hoped to maker they could, because you invited them both to your display the upcoming saturday. Hopefully Rey wouldn't still be holding on to that grudge after Kylo had bruised your wrist. 

It was so long ago but that still felt like yesterday, even if it was faded and gone you still felt its ache from time to time, sometimes you’d see Kylo’s interactions with other students, he was either robotic or he looked like something otherworldly, how so much anger could fit into his tall frame was beyond you. It more cemented the fact of your painting, he was a whirlwind of fury and bitterness that you somehow always caught at the calmest of moments.

Sometimes you thought it was because he was scared to show you that side of himself again, like you wouldn't accept him, but hadn't you been the one to forgive him as he shed his tears? He had such a practiced gentleness with you, but you knew he’d trust you with his anger one day, it may have been an ugly part of him, but you loved so many sides of Kylo, you couldn't deny that was part of him as well. 

  
•••••••••  
  


Kylo’s POV

 

Kylo really needed to break this loop of avoiding you, but he just hadn’t found what to say to you just yet. He wanted to warn you of Snoke and what he had told Kylo, but he wasn’t sure how’d you take him being so enamoured by you that you were being threatened with expulsion if you didn't stop being yourself. You definitely had been disracting him more and more since he realized his feelings for you. You made him feel like he could burst, he noticed new things about you every day, adding them to his always growing list of things he found interesting about you. No seriously, there was a real list, Kylo thought lists helped organize the thoughts, and you’d made his thoughts all over the place as of late. 

It was increasingly hard to find focus with you around, he wanted to spend every waking minute with you, you didn’t even have to speak or anything and he’d enjoy it, you just gave off this glow it made him feel at peace, it made him feel like Ben again.

But it was things like this that made him need to avoid you, to appease Snoke and insist he had the problem taken care of and still keep you around all at the same time.

Love as he was finding, was possibly more stressful than his strenuous studies, but it was still so satisfying when everything was said and done. 

He was eating by himself in the courtyard, reading over you hand written invitation you’d slipped into his locker earlier this morning, he chuckled at your cute doodles at the borders of the small card.

You were inviting him to see your art display at the college downtown, so that's where the Art festival was being held this year, he felt a slight twinge of pride, you hadn't allowed him to see any of your work that wasn’t in class, but it was good enough to be chosen to go to contest, he wanted to congratulate you. 

He’d save it for the actual display, he’d probably have to take the bus to get there, he grimaced at the idea, but it was better than biking and showing up sweaty and gross, that'd be a great way to display himself to his crush. 

You must have really worked some kind of magic to make him look good of all things on a canvas.

He couldn't wait to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that took forever, sorry if you don't like the art thing the readers got going on but that's the stuff i know best and i just wanted this story to be easy and fun to do, enjoy.


	14. Quick Texts and Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tries to calm down and you get ready for the festival

Kylo’s POV

 

He felt it in the early morning, it was gnawing at him again, this insesent raw heat of his anger once again eating away at him. He wasn't sure why it had to be today of all days, but that's just how this was. He could no more control these emotions than anything else in this sullen life he could no longer escape.

He chose this, it was too late and he’d dug himself too deep, all in an effort to seal Ben solo in his grave and bring Kylo ren into the land of the living, to make him real. 

Was he real? 

He trashed his dorm, desperate for any kind of release from this pain, he felt torn inside and out only finding satisfaction in the splintering of his wood furniture and the shatter of the bulb of his lamp. Snoke would not be happy, but it would all be replaced, it always was. 

Was this what he had become? It seemed like he had everything being offered to him, there was nothing to worry about when it came to his academic future, but his personal path just seemed so isolated and that is what frustrated him. 

He had Hux and Phasma, but he wasn't exactly sure if they were friends with him like they were with each other, it felt more like they both bonded over having to deal with him more then genuinely understanding who he was. But how could they? He was a unique issue to say the least, yet all of his problems could be solved in the simplest way, yet it was the hardest for him. 

_ “Come home, we miss you, just come home.”  _

He gripped his tangled locks in frustration, his mother's voice ringing in his head, she’d called him months ago crying, but he couldn’t go back he’d gotten this far, he couldn't just give up all the work he’d put into destroying his ties with his old life. 

But it was so tempting during days like today, it truly did seem easy, to just go home and pretend Kylo ren was once again just some image his mentor had created, but that's what was so hard about it. Kylo took up too much space now, he convinced himself he was stronger this way, his anger was only a side effect of his own failure, he had to be better than this. 

_ “Your anger is your motivation, but do not let it rule you.”  _

Snokes instruction came to the forefront of his mind as he sat on the messied floor of his lavish dorm room, he seethed taking deep breaths in an effort to calm the oncoming wave of heat that would spread from his fingers to his toes in an attempt to consume him. 

He was lost in meditation when an unfitting happy jingle rang from his phone breaking the thick tension of the silence. 

He could have smiled at it if he weren’t trying so hard to become numb right now, he’d picked it specifically for you, he felt so childish prioritizing your messages this way, like some teenage boy pining for his crush. 

_ “But that's exactly what you are.” _

He shook his head at the thought, but he knew it to be true no matter how old he felt even he could fall victim to such things as teenage romance, if he could call your relationship that. 

He was still unsure of your feelings, you made special time just for him and made an effort to see him whenever he was free, but it was your friendship with a certain redhead that made him hesitant to pursue anything beyond this comfortable standing you’d both found yourself in. 

You and Hux just looked so right together, Hux as already usually on thin ice with him seeing as he loved to torment Kylo and question everything he did especially in front of Snoke seeing as they were both affiliated with him they were basically forced to see each other on a regular basis. 

He’d been ever more short with the snarky ginger as of late, he’d started undermining him in front of you as well, and that he wouldn't stand for. 

He would find himself poking and prodding more all in the effort for an argument, anything to break his calm and collected demeanor it would feel like a victory, showing he could be just as angry and irrational as Kylo himself. 

He could tell you were not a fan of such displays, you’d been trying to defuse their fights more and more lately, chastising both of them like a parent with two fussy children. 

You once told him of your times with Hux over the summer, how he’d basically coached you for the academy at first. Kylo could understand, if Hux brought you in and you failed, Hux failed as well. 

But you went on about how he slowly became your friend, how close you felt you two had become as the year went on. It had made his stomach prickle like it was full of needles, you were sharing your thoughts with him which was meant to show you two were also close, but to him, he only saw it as a challenge. 

 

He ground his teeth as he stood, walking to his desk and slipping his phone into his hand. 

_ “Hey! I know it's a little early so it's fine if you don't get this until later, but i was wondering if you wanted to ride with me to the art festival today?” _

He quirked a brow considering it, he was planning on skipping it due to his mood this morning, he hated how his thoughts of you became warped and ugly in his anger, but seeing your text in the little grey bubble on his screen did help calm him. 

But maybe it was best not to ride with you if he did go, he was unsure how his emotions would progress throughout the day, sure he was borderline calm now but what about later. 

But he could imagine the sadness in your eyes if he didn't show, it made his chest ache, his frustration was building again. 

Damn it. 

_ “ Sure.”  _

He flopped onto his bed,sighing deeply into his pillow, the things he’d do for you.

  
  


(Y/n)’s POV 

 

You smiled at Kylo’s message, you were excited about today and couldn’t wait to show him what you’d been working so hard and long on. You blushed at the thought of getting to sit with him in the back of your parents car. You giggled at the thought, Kylo meeting your parents? You hoped it wouldn’t make him feel too uncomfortable. 

“Where are you this morning?” 

Phasma piped up, pulling you from your daydreams with a cheeky smile, you blushed as you continued to chop up some fruit, both Phasma and Rey seemed to have the same idea this morning and had come to see you for breakfast. Rey was working on some pancakes so you and Phas decided to occupy yourselves with making some smoothies. 

You’d be lying if you said you couldn’t sense the tension, Phasma liked to let her territory be known to outsiders, but Rey had also known you first and for much longer, them being for rivaling schools definitely was not helping. They seemed to be getting along for your sake but you hoped you could eventually join your two friend groups in harmony. 

By the looks of Phasma’s deadly smirk and Rey’s death glare you knew it would definitely be a hard feat to overcome. 

“Just thinking about the art show..” 

Phasma poured milk into the blender giving you a knowing look

“Oh really? Just the art show?” 

Her eyes trailed to your phone and you couldn’t hold in your smile but Rey’s look trailed to you in curiosity, your breath caught as you remembered what had happened earlier in the year, your wrist burned with the memory even with the bruise long faded and gone. 

“What else is there?” 

Phasma giggled and your blush    increased, praying she wouldn’t- 

“So is Kylo riding with you to the art festival or not?” 

Rey dropped her spatula, you tried to avoid her gaze but she quickly walked over to you, a worried look in her eyes, you knew she wouldn't forget.

“(Y/n)..Please tell me that’s not the same Kylo i'm thinking of.” 

You gulped and Phasma gave you a confused look, Rey gently took hold of your hand and you tried your best to smile, maybe you could convince her 

“It was a one time thing Rey.” 

“A one time thing that left you crying with a purple bruise wrapped around your wrist!” 

“Rey, i need you to trust me when it comes to him okay.” 

She seemed taken aback, you could understand, Kylo did hurt you and while you had forgiven him Rey didn't know him, she had no reason to believe he was more than just some monster that had hurt her friend. You wouldn’t make excuses for him, what he did was wrong, but he’d made an effort to mend his actions and that you could appreciate. You just hoped you weren’t letting your crush on him muddle your view. 

But you knew who Kylo ren could be, what he could do. 

You just had to trust he wouldn’t let his emotions get the better of him, you loved Kylo even for the uglier parts of him, but you would not let yourself become some bruised lover always babbling excuses for him. But that would not happen. You trusted him. 

Rey was obviously frustrated with your answer, but she nodded, she knew you and that you could take care of yourself, if you asked for her trust she would give it to you. But that did not mean for a second she would show a bit of kindness to this Kylo ren, he didn't deserve it. You sighed in relief as you finished the smoothies and Rey plated the Pancakes, you all sat at your small dinner table and just talked trying to dissipate this tension your past had left.

 

Rey had headed over to Finn’s after breakfast, Phasma stayed a little longer but soon departed to get ready for the art festival, she hugged you a little longer in the doorway than usual, you knew she remembered what happened, but she understood you when you said you had it handled. 

You stood in your room, you would be heading to pick Kylo up in two hours the show started at four, it was getting close to one now and it would take a bit to get downtown. Your stomach rumbled with nervousness over both Kylo and the art festival. Your old friends and new would be there, Rey likely had already told both Finn and Poe of his presence, you just hoped to maker everyone could get along and just trust your judgement.  

You were having trouble deciding what to wear, this wasn't your first contest of course but you always liked to look your best along with your work for the judging. It felt so weird, usually it was for theatre or writing but this time it was painting. 

You’d never been much of a painter but here you were, had you really changed this much? It hit you how much time had passed, the school year was coming to a close sooner than later, you looked in the mirror and it was like a whole other person was looking back at you. The scrappy child from freshman year of New republic was gone.

You’d expect this to be bad, but you realized you looked older and more mature, you were going to one of the best private schools your town had to offer, it was a struggle of course but you were one of the better students, some would kill to be in your position seeing as First order had a mile long waiting list. You’d earned this, you deserved to be proud of yourself today. 

And you would be, no matter what conflict would arise, today was about you and what you had worked for, you picked up your clothes and began to dress with a new air of confidence, you were (Y/n) (L/n) and whatever the world threw at you today, you could handle it. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, i finally git a stroke of inspiration today, enjoy the teen trash  
> Thank you all for the Kudos and the views i see them and i appreciate it!


	15. Dark corners and acts of passion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo becomes overwhelmed and your friend groups come together for you

  
  


Your palms were sweaty as you lead Kylo to your mother's car, you couldn't even find anything to say to him he looked so nice. You'd told him not to get dressed up, he was just in a simple button up and dark jeans but he looked gorgeous. You felt so nervous eyeing his dark waves, he gave you a small smile when he caught you eyeing him. 

God you still had a whole car ride ahead of you. 

Your parents started idle conversation, Kylo seemed quite comfortable talking to them, it came as quite a relief to you that he got along with them. You could only hope he would keep this up at the festival. 

“You look nice today (Y/n).”

You smiled and thanked him, you convinced yourself everything would be fine. 

 

Kylo wasn't sure how he was doing it but he was completely calm the whole ride with you, he almost turned into a stuttering wreck when you came to his dorm to fetch him, you really did look beautiful today. 

He'd seen how you looked at him and it filled him with confidence, you finding him attractive did feed his ego if only a little bit. 

You didn't say much in the car, your parents were so busy chattering at him he felt irritation beginning to build inside him, but the way you were looking at him like you were so pleased that he was getting along with them he pushed it away. 

Maybe he could hold back, he really just wanted to spend the day with you and see what you'd been working on. 

You had to get to First Orders’ section of the convention center, so your parents went off to look around, and you grabbed Kylo’s hand. 

He felt a light blush on his cheeks as you smiled at him, leading the way.

“I'm so glad you came Kylo, it really means alot to me.” 

He swallowed, of course you'd appreciate your friends and family coming to support you, but it didn't make this feel any less special. He squeezed your hand and nodded. 

“I wouldn't miss it.” 

 

You were absolutely on cloud nine at the moment, here you were holding hands with one of the most feared people in the school, yet he was just gentle as ever with you. Your chest swelled with emotion, you knew today could cause trouble but you really hoped things would just go smoothly. Your friends wouldn't cause trouble, they knew how much this meant to you. 

Kylo seemed calm, but his eyes held something else, he just kept smiling and asking you about your work but you felt worried for him. He had told you about his strict mentor and his family life, maybe it was taking a toll on him again? You felt uneasiness creep into your toes at the thought that he may be bottling something up. 

You didn't have time to ask him, you'd arrived at the school’s display where your friends were already admiring all the works. 

“(Y/n)!” 

Kylo’s hand slipped from yours as Poe grasped you in a hug, Rey and Finn trailed behind him. 

You smiled as they all started talking at once, you laughed at the murmur of them as they tried to explain how much they liked what you'd done this year and how it was the best one yet, you almost forgot who you were with. 

Kylo had left to look at the art for himself, likely joining up with Hux and Phasma. You wondered if they had met before you two arrived, Phasma had a taste this morning with Rey, but how would she react to Finn and Poe? And Hux? Anxiety settled in your belly, why was this stressful? 

_ ‘Maybe because you decided to go to a fancy private school’ _

You sighed, your brain trying to be a jerk to you, deep breaths and a pep talk would clear it up, today was about you, it was all going to be alright. 

“So what's with the blonde and the red head? That kid has a stick up his ass I swear.” 

Poe was just trying to lighten the mood and joke, he already knew how you felt, you basically called the guy once a week of course he'd know. You just chuckled and decided now would be the best time for you to stand with your display. 

 

Kylo felt it again, it was peaked by his jealousy, your attention had been stolen by some ragtag group of public schoolers you called ‘friends’. Hux and Phasma obviously liked them just as much as he did, Phasma recognized the black boy, Finn, he'd been expelled a year prior.

“I basically knew him since grade school and he just flushes his talent down the drain…” 

Kylo looked back to you, you were smiling and laughing about something, but what caught his eye was the scrappy girl with the tri-buns, she was giving him a death glare. 

He did not appreciate it to say the least, but he didn't let it show, eventually persuading her to break eye contact with his stone expression. Kylo was very good at intimidation, but something told him she wasn't truly afraid of him, she had something about her that rubbed him the wrong way. 

He'd avoid her for now until he could scope her out. 

He decided to actually take the time to look at your work, and he felt his jaw go slack. The top set was obviously meant to be more childish and fun, it shines with orange hues and light colors. The bottom set was more of dark blues and warm browns, except his, it stood out the most to him. Unlike the stiff picture he'd let you snap on your camera, you'd painted a soft scene of him in the grass. 

He had been particularly stressed that day, sometimes he'd just go on autopilot at times like that and just go somewhere to calm down. It had been private yet you'd captured it on canvas. He wanted to to be angry at you, if anyone else he would be, but he obviously let you get away with more than most people. 

It pulled at his heartstrings, you took something like him rough and temperamental, and turned it into something beautiful. 

Is this how you really saw him? 

He was feeling so much at once he wasn't sure what to do with himself, it was overwhelming, he needed to get away if only for a moment. 

 

You were confused as Kylo rushed past you, he got away so fast with those long legs of his it seemed futile to follow him. Your anxiety only worsened with this, what had happened? Did he not like the candid shot? Maybe choosing a private moment like that had upset him. 

You stood next to your work, the high of your success dulling as your friend groups unsuccessfully blended, this had all started so nice, where had your confidence went? 

An older man came over to your display, he wore a badge which indicated he was working the festival. 

He turned to you and your friends quiet voices trailed into complete silence 

“Are these yours?” 

You gulped and nodded 

“Yes sir, they are.” 

“We'll be removing one from the display for the judging on stage, do we have your permission to do so?” 

You felt flooded with excitement once again, you eagerly nodded 

“Y-yes of course! That fine, totally fine.” 

He nodded and handed you a small slip of paper, it indicated that you would receive your painting back at the end of the judging. All six of you looked in anticipation of which one he would take, you held your breath. 

He took the middle bottom, your painting of Hux. 

Of course that's the one the judges would favor, you laughed as Hux obviously beamed with pride, he would definitely be bragging about this for weeks to come. 

_ ‘Of course they picked the painting of me, i showed refined elegance even when slouching, take that ren’  _

You couldn't wait for that argument. 

 

You'd taken the time to walk around with the others looking at the other schools art, they seemed to warm up to each other more as the day went on, it brought a smile to your face but Kylo had yet to make a reappearance. Your worry was quickly becoming agitation, you wish he would just talk to you about whatever upset him instead of running off. He was so exasperating at times, you thought you'd worked past things like this, but then again he did tend to avoid you randomly throughout the year. You weren't going to let anything else mess with your mood, everything was going good, everyone was starting to get along. He'd come back, hopefully sooner than later. You yelped as someone pulled you into a darkened corner, careful what you wish for. 

 

Kylo had actually gotten lost, he really liked your piece but he ended up walking off when he was trying to clear his head. The place was pretty big and you had left your display which made it harder to find you. 

He had so much he wanted to say, he was fidgety with all the pent up adrenaline, he wanted to find you fast. 

He ended up in an emptier part of the center, the displays lessened here, it was poorly lit and he found himself next to a pillar. 

He saw you almost skirt past, but he grabbed you while the others were preoccupied. 

“Ah!- Kylo?” 

He shushed you, all his words felt stuck in his throat, he ended up just nervously laughing as he held you close. 

“Kylo, why'd you run off earlier? If it was about the painting-” 

“It was, it was just…” 

He pressed his forehead to yours 

“(Y/n)...do you really see me like that?” 

You seemed confused as you cupped his cheek, you looked into his eyes and he felt passion burning within him, so desperate to be released. 

“Like what?-” 

He couldn't wait any longer,he kissed you then, he never thought that thing about sparks and fireworks was realistic but he felt it then, it was like every party popper on earth was going off just for this moment. He'd dreamt of the soft curve of your lips since winter, he wanted to do this for so long, give you every piece of him even if it meant to be vulnerable. 

He could be vulnerable with you, he trusted you, which meant far more than I love you to someone like him. 

He didn't want it to end, he wanted to stay in this moment, but you parted in desperate need of air. 

 

It was so sudden, you understood why he'd been avoiding you now in this moment. Kylo was definitely the most emotionally constipated person you knew, of course he'd press his feelings down so much they would burst out in acts of passion such as this. 

Not that you minded, you'd had many a daydream of kissing him, having him hold you close like this. You never imagined it'd be in some poor lit corner with your friends five feet away, but it didn't matter, he had kissed you with such a fervor you could see his feelings plain as day. 

“The painting..how could someone as perfect as you, make someone like me look beautiful?” 

You stroked his cheeks and smiled up at him

“Kylo I didn't make you look beautiful, you are beautiful.” 

He smiled and let out another nervous laugh, Kylo was flawed, he had such a tragic past that was of his own making even if he was manipulated into it, he'd turned himself into a beautiful tragedy, and you got to witness it. 

And with that, you kissed him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super sure i like this one, but here it is, sorry for the wait but hopefully it was worth it!


	16. Blasting A/C and a Sense of Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its not a secret, but you both like the alone time

 

 

You laid in your cool sheets, it was a sunny afternoon and a certain boy was drumming his fingers on your thigh. 

“Something on your mind?” 

His voice was quiet, you loved how lazy and comfortable this day had gotten. You pulled him closer to your face, pecking the corner of his mouth, this only gave him incentive to one up you with a full kiss on the lips, so competitive your Kylo. 

 

Your painting had gotten second place, but the real victory of that day had been won in the dark corners of the convention center, unknown to your friends. You all went out and celebrated, you and Kylo acted no different, you'd silently agreed it was best to keep whatever this was under wraps for now. He kept up his guise of indifference, and you your typical talkative self, but you held hands when no one was looking.

 

It's been like that for some time, you weren't exactly trying to hide it anymore but you weren't flaunting one another in public, that's just not how you were. Of course you were the more affectionate one constantly sneaking PDA but Kylo was romantic, where he lacked in public displays he made up for in private. It was easier now that it was summer, everyone had something or other they needed to he doing, it left you and Kylo free to just have days like this, a little too hot but you'd stash away in your room before your parents got home from work in which then he'd make his getaway on his bike, his hair blowing in the wind as he peddled away just in time for your parents to pull into the driveway without suspecting a thing.

You could nap away the whole summer with him, caressing your skin in the blow of your choppy window A/C, you'd talk for hours about the silliest things, you cherished every minute of it. 

You were a bit worried though, you were so wrapped up in Kylo lately you'd been neglecting your other friends, it started as a few cancelled trips to the lake, then forgetting previous plans, showing up too late… Rey was worried. You promised her you'd spend time together, soon, for sure. 

That was two weeks ago. 

Kylo was kissing you more, running his fingers at the edge of your shirt, you hadn't went all the way yet but it wasn't from a lack of trying on Kylo's end, you wanted to just let him have at it but you just had too much on your mind. 

“Ky..I think maybe I should go see Rey on Saturday.” 

He paused in his crusade of removing your shirt, you knew him and Rey didn't really mesh well, Kylo did not like sharing you with others he'd made that quite clear, especially with Rey. 

“Why would you want to do that, when we could do this.” 

He started kissing your neck, he knew just the spot that would sweep all of this under the rug for another day, but you quickly caught on and pushed his face to look at you. 

“Kylo I'm serious, not that I don't love it..but I can't spend the whole summer in my room kissing you as much as we'd both like to."

He grumbled as he rolled off you, obviously annoyed about not getting his way, face down on the bed

"She's just worried and I want to assure her, okay?” 

He groaned but nodded 

“Fine, hang out with your friend, but you're coming right back to me Sunday.”

You giggled and rubbed his shoulder, trying to lighten his mood again

“Yes Kylo, right back to you and your full schedule of lounging about while trying to score.” 

He laughs as he rolls over propping himself on his forearms 

“Trying? I thought I was pretty close that time.” He moves his fingers back to the hem of your shirt, tickling your exposed skin 

You giggled and squealed as you shoved a pillow in his face 

“Yeah sure.” 

  
  


  * •••••••



 

You and Rey were at the public pool, just dunking your feet in and soaking in some sun as you observed screaming children splash about. Rey was a volunteer lifeguard this summer and was happy to have you along on her Saturday shift, it was her busiest day and it was nice to have company. 

“So where have you been (Y/N)? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever!” 

You smiled at her 

“Aw c'mon Rey summer just started, you've seen me.” 

“Yeah but you've just been so..distant, the last time we really hung out was at Finn's end of school party and that was weeks ago.” 

She was right, you didn't want to lie, but you also didn't want her to know you'd been blowing everyone off for Kylo, her least favorite person. 

“I've just been working on a personal project, it's kept me a little cooped up, I'll try to be around more I'm sorry for being distant.” 

She nodded, you were glad the answer had appeased her but your stomach churned at your dishonesty 

“We'll you'll have to tell me all about it when you dry off.” 

“Dry off? What do y-!” 

She pushed you in, giggles blending with your splash. 

 

  * ••••••



Kylo felt anxious, he was just riding his bike aimlessly around town trying to clear his head. 

Snoke had visited him at the small rented apartment he'd been given this summer earlier that morning, he gave Kylo a bunch pamphlets for colleges and a few military programs, it was nothing unusual for his mentor to drop in with such things. 

You were being kept a well hidden secret, Kylo had already drilled you on how you were allowed to to interact in school, and as for outside, if there was one thing his so-called father had taught him, it was how to lie like it was his job. Snoke had yet to notice a change and Kylo planned to keep it that way. 

You left one of your bracelets behind from your last visit, he had panicked and slipped it onto his wrist, it wasn't exactly his style but it had gone unnoticed by Snoke which he thanked maker for. 

He would be a junior this year, another year of insomnia and fear of failure, panic attacks and scaring his classmates into silence. He wasn't sure if he could keep living this way, he wasn't even sure what his future held anymore. 

Snoke had known Kylos grandfather, he'd been an amazing war hero, not everyone saw him that way. Some went as far as to label him a ‘terrorist’, but he knew better, war was ugly no one was perfect. 

You hadn't exactly understood when he told you such things, but you would come around eventually, you were very understanding. 

But what worried Kylo was if Snoke found out about you, he’d warned him once and he had no doubt he would make good on expelling you. Or something even worse becoming of you. 

He couldn't let that happen, this problem could be fixed by him cutting you off, but he didn't have the heart to do it. Snoke was right, you were a distraction and you had weakened him but only in the best of ways, he didn't wake up angry almost every day, he didn't have to spend his summer alone squandering his weekly allowance on instant noodles. The crying still happened much to his dismay but you were always there to wipe his tears. 

He didn't deserve you, but he needed you, wanted you even. 

But you had yet to realize that, for some reason the galaxy was being kind and allowing him this once solace. 

His legs burned as he came to a stop in front of some boarded up shop, he’d find a way to make this work, you, school, Snoke, all of it. 

He'd make his best grades yet this year, he was already number one of his class, he would not falter, he would be the model student. 

But he'd have to find some way to show Snoke you had worth in his life, something so compelling that Snoke would allow you in his life without issue. 

He had a whole summer to figure it out, as long as he didn't get distracted by your tanning skin and plush lips again... 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol this is SUPER late, im always apologizing for long waits and for that...i apologize, but enjoy!


	17. Caressing and Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How does Hux really feel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah long time no see guys! About 8 months since the last update.  
>  Please don't kill me

  
You felt the cool breeze as you sat in the garden.  
Summer was still just beginning but it felt like it'd been a lifetime away from your hectic school life, it was nice.  
“Do you like it out here?”  
Hux had invited you to his home, he'd been gone since the day after school ended, his mother planned a luxurious vacation she insisted was for bonding but that likely hadn't worked out, their strained relationship was unchanged. His family's estate was beautiful, he let you bring your easel and paint to your heart's content, he was turning pink in the heat and you couldn't help but giggle.  
“You know I love it out here.”  
“It just seems a little hot is all.”  
“You get hot in anything above 60 Hux.”  
He rolled his eyes and eyed your paints  
“How much have you painted this summer?”  
“Quite a bit actually.”  
You had, any time you weren't spending with Kylo you'd be trying to perfect one of your talents one way or another.  
You just wanted to be better, Kylo was the top of your class and you felt you weren't measuring up with your mediocre grades, you wanted to impress not only him but everyone.  
He encouraged you, bringing in his summer help books, you should probably be doing the worksheet he gave you right now but Hux had called and you wanted to relax for a bit.  
Painting felt less like work when you did it to procrastinate.  
Hux still seemed to be oblivious to your relationship with Kylo, that or he was pretending not to know. Phasma had become suspicious of you two, her assumptions were confirmed when she caught you two kissing at her pool party a few weeks back, she was elated, but the idea seemed to bother Hux.  
It worried you, you'd become such good friends over the year, best friends even, but Kylo had been his friend first, so what wouldn't he approve about him? Maybe he just wasn't used to change, maybe if you told him yourself he’d feel better about it.  
“Hey Hux, can I tell you something?”  
He gave you a queer look but scooted next to you  
“Of course, you can always tell me anything.”  
“Well you see it's about me and k-”  
“Armitage! Hurry to the foyer, your father is about to arrive!”  
Hux’s expression became panicked  
“Shit.”  
He started packing away your things and tossed you your bag  
“You have to go, now.”  
You were confused, did he want you to leave? You'd met his father before briefly you didn't see the big deal  
“What? I've met your dad before Hux.”  
“Trust me you've only had glimpses of him, I don't want you anywhere near him right now, he's always in a shit mood when he gets back from a business trip.”  
His eyes held an urgency you couldn't deny, you nodded as he led you to the back gate, you didn't mind walking, it was a nice day anyway.  
“I’ll come see you soon, sorry you had to leave your canvas I'll take good care of it I promise.”  
“Don't worry, I know you will ‘Armitage’”  
He rolled his eyes, your teasing made him feel slightly better.  
“Be safe okay.”  
You smiled and he caressed your cheek, it was an odd feeling, he seemed to hesitate before quickly pecking your cheek.  
“Now go.”  
You turned on your heel in a state of shock, he strode back to his house and you felt an ache in your heart.  
You cared deeply for Hux as your friend, you’d bonded many a night and you felt you could trust him, but what had that peck meant? Was it purely platonic?  
The look in his eyes told another story.  
You hoped and begged for the latter, he was such a good friend.  
It'd be awful to break his heart.

•••••••••••••••

Kylo felt the night air all around him, a bit muggy from a heat shower that surprised him earlier in the afternoon.  
He was wandering aimlessly, he was in one of his moods.  
He wanted to break something, get into a fight maybe, or just vandalize some abandoned property, that always made him feel better.  
He'd wanted to see you today but you were spending your day painting dainty flowers with his supposed friend Hux.  
Hux had been a pain in the ass ever since he introduced you into the group, Kylo hadn't realized it until he developed his own crush on you that Hux was basically head over heels for you since day one.  
Hux had always been orderly and strict insisting he didn't have time for romance, but that was the thing about you, you changed people's perspective. Kylo had always been sure he'd be alone forever, he'd always felt like an outcast, the black sheep of his family, he'd isolated himself and convinced himself that's how he liked it and that's how it would always be.  
But then you came along, you pissed him off because he didn't understand the way you'd made him feel, he always felt like such a jackass thinking of how he'd treated you, the fact that you were with him was some kind of miracle in itself. He used to think you could fix him, magically change him into a better person ,but he understood that wasn't a responsibility he could give you, it wasn't your job to do that.  
But in a way you helped him understand he wanted to change for himself, and you, and that's what was important.  
He tried some classic anger management techniques, counting, writing letters and ripping them up, but sometimes nothing felt as satisfying as bloody knuckles or broken windows.  
Hux had really pissed him off, they'd been texting about some beach trip Phasma had planned when it somehow veered to you.  
He sent him a picture of you he'd taken at his home, called you pet names in his texts, it was like he was trying to get Kylo to snap at him, say something vile. But Kylo knew better, Hux was smart about getting what he wanted, Kylo wouldn't play into his little game of jealousy.  
He found himself in a deeper part of the woods, there were some old crates lying about, they'd have to do as vessels for his insatiable annoyance with the ginger.

•••  
After Kylo had finished it was late, he was sweaty and he was pretty sure he had some splinters.  
He'd plan to go home and shower, maybe text you about meeting up for breakfast at that little place you liked before you had work, but it seemed you'd text him already  
_‘Can you come over?’_  
_‘I need to talk to you about something’_  
_‘It's important :(‘_  
He felt anxiety shoot through him, was this it? Had his luck finally run out? His hands shook, he couldn't type a reply, Kylo was so used to others being afraid of him it was hard to believe that he feared things as simple as the tone of a text message.  
He pocketed his phone and decided to jog, his adrenaline was high and it felt like the only way to shake it.  
What did you need to talk about?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summers back and so is this story! Sorry for such a long wait but I lost my way in it but now I feel ready to continue, thank all of you who read and waited for a new chapter, your comments and patience is appreciated.   
> Enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> First Star Wars fic I've published, it may be kinda bad but hey it's a high school Au


End file.
